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TITLE: A Strange Twist of Fate
Spending the last twelve hours with his lover in the infirmary did nothing to quell his fears. Nothing at all. He still sat with his hands softly folded in his lap and stared at the young man that he'd been intimate with. Could he really be on his way to becoming a father? Everything logical screamed against it. Surely it was impossible. Right? Men didn't have babies. Men couldn't have them. They weren't anatomically geared to such ventures. HE COULDN'T BE PREGNANT… but the facts from the test were duplicated three times over. There couldn't have been an error in the spells because Pomfrey excelled in this area. That was why Dumbledore asked her to join the staff. "What's on your mind?" Such a simple question from such a caring person. Remus simply stared at him while waiting for the answer. Those beautiful eyes gave away nothing. James also knew that he'd have to tell Remus. These thoughts were about to burst his head into a million flesh-and-blood-colored pieces. "I can't do this. I can't be a father. I mean, I love Severus but this isn't what I want. I don't know what I want but I don't want to be a father. I can't be a father. I'm not cut out to be a father. And." "And you were thinking about leaving him. You were thinking of pursuing your long-held feelings for Lily, right? That's what you mean. You want to be a father, but not to the children you've sired with Severus. You want children with her." "That's not it." James knew better than to try lying, but it was times like these when he realized how perceptive Remus was. "It is. And you and I know it. Black knows it too. You mentioned it to him. I, however, figured it out on my own. How could you," the question burned deep within Remus' eyes. James understood, now. He knew why these questions were being prompted. Remus cared about this raven-haired boy. The boy that seemed so fragile in that large stark-white bed. That cold and clean-looking bed. "I had no idea." "No idea of what? That you were going to run to Lily when you got back to school. Now that you were old enough to try to court her. That is bunk. You knew. You more than knew." Remus' eyes flashed with anger. "You're in love with him. You really love him." Remus looked away. James gasped. "Why didn't you ever say anything," the question, so meaningful lay answered months ago. "He wanted you." Remus sighed. "I'm just a friend. More your friend than his. You brought him so much happiness and now you're willing to leave him because things are getting rough. Why did you lie to him?" "I didn't lie… I just didn't know. And we sure as hell would have never done anything had I known of his possibility to become pregnant. That's just wrong." Remus' eyes flashed again. "I suggest you leave now. I'll tell him. I don't want you to do it. I've seen you break up with people before. You go. NOW." James stumbled around his chair as he stood. "I am so disappointed in you. More than you can ever know." James' shoulders fell and he trudged out of the infirmary. Remus moved to the chair James sat in seconds ago and sighed. He took Severus' hand and watched that flawless face. Slowly, the tears fell from those closed eyes. Remus cursed. "You heard everything, huh?" Severus slowly nodded. Remus took him into his arms and held him while the boy cried. He sobbed so violently cries tore from his throat in pathetic pained sounds. Remus only held him tighter. When there was a lull in his sobbing, Severus asked, "Is it true that I'm pregnant? It can't be can it? Men don't have children." "You really are. Madame Pomfrey checked three times. Evidently your lineage happens to have that ability. It came about from about three hundred years ago. Madame Pomfrey looked it up in a book. It's said that one of your predecessors had been engaged to be married to this exceptionally powerful witch. Well, his inclination strayed toward men and not the woman he was expected to marry. He'd carried out some clandestine affair but she caught him. She made some kind of comment about lying with men the way he should with woman and cursed him. He was the first to carry a child in your family." Severus started crying again. "Why couldn't I have fallen for you before him? You wouldn't break my heart. I never knew how you'd felt either. Also, what am I going to do about raising a child? I'm not prepared. I'm far too young," it was whispery and hoarse. So much so that the man holding him almost missed it. "I wouldn't push feelings. I subscribe to the idea that if it is going to happen, it'll happen. It's probably a bad thing for this situation, but not everything is so awful. I'm here for you. I'm not leaving. He may have hurt you deeply but I'm not going to run. You're stuck with me. Like you should have been from the beginning. We'll get through this too. You're not going to be alone in this. I may not have sired that child within you but I'm willing to be whatever you want me to be for that child" Remus held him tighter while wondering what would possess James to leave such a wonderful person behind. A wonderful person carrying his child. This person was barely an adult himself. "I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm going to do. I won't ever be able to go home again. I've got nothing. I gave up everything the moment he and I made love, evidently," he shuddered, "I can't raise a child homeless." Severus sank deeper into Remus' arms as the man pulled him closer. "You don't have to worry. I promise, like I told you earlier. You will be able to stay with me. Okay? We will talk to Dumbledore. That would work. Alright? I'm sure that he could also see about acquiring your personal items from home. I fear you will be showing be more than showing around Christmas. We'd also have to work out details about the birth and whatnot. We also have to talk to Dumbledore about what will be done with classes for you because male pregnancies, from what Madame Pomfrey said, can be very hard. Evidently you're somewhere closer to having a hard time." Severus merely stared at him. He wasn't sure what should be done and now too much fuss would be made to keep him in school. "This seems like an awful large amount of fuss." "You're worth it. Even Dumbledore would say so. He may not care as much for Slytherins but he definitely adores you. We'll talk to him later to see what he wants done. How about you get some rest hmm? It would be the best thing for you to do right now. Even if you really don't want to, it would be good for our-your-child." Remus cursed himself for the mistake, but wondered if he was wrong to say when Severus gave him a look that seemed to ask, 'Do you mean it? Ours?' "Would you sleep in the bed with me. I'm not used to being alone and I'm sure you'd much rather a bed over a stiff-backed chair. Remus smiled, "Anything you want." Severus moved over a little to allow the larger young man in bed. Remus swore to himself he'd make everything better. Severus wouldn't have to suffer any more than he'd already suffered. He would fix everything. Morning came by the announcement of breakfast by Madame Pomfrey, who offered a soft smile to the two boys in bed. She'd heard the exchange between Remus and James and then Remus and Severus. She couldn't believe that James would so willingly give up a chance at raising a child with this boy he claimed to love. Whether it was fear compounded with the stress of everything that has and would be happening or the true wane of feelings, she was unsure. The only thing that she knew was that James didn't deserve to be around this boy. Remus and Severus ate breakfast in bed and thanked whatever powers that be that classes didn't start until Monday. They may have had to show up on the first of September, but they didn't always have to start classes then. "What are you going to do today, Lu-Remus?" "Oh, I'll probably hang around here. Keep you company, especially since it's doubtful that Madame Pomfrey will let you leave." With that oh-so-impeccable timing, the Mediwitch in question chimed in, "Of course not. At least not very much. There will be no trips to the Slytherin Hall right now and afterward not when you're alone. I expect you'll be moved to much closer quarters and you will start having tutoring sessions. I don't like the way you're becoming ill so often. If you are going to carry the child to term, you much make sure you don't lose too much weight." Severus grimaced at this. The young man was never much for sitting and doing very little. "Severus, you know that you can't be allowed to meander after the way you were yesterday and from what I was told about earlier. You need to be watched closely." "But I am alright. I just seem to be ill whenever I wake up for the most part. Or if I am jostled or something." Severus' beautiful features took on a pleading accent. "I'm sorry dear, but you can't. Male pregnancies are much harder and that is something you'll have to deal with. We are going to make it as easy as possible but you will have to accept the fact that we will be watching you closely." Severus seemed about to say something, "And before you say it, we do trust you, we are just worried." "Well, I guess you can't argue with that. I'll stay with you, okay?" Severus nodded begrudgingly. "I just want to be able to go about my life." The fire that Remus loved still stayed in place, even now. He only hoped it wasn't all a façade. ----------------- "Stay in bed Severus," you have to rest. He smiled softly when the boy growled. "You have your own nice cozy bed so you'd better use it. I don't want Madame Pomfrey hexing me. You're going to have to deal with your lack of freedom. You have to make sure that your baby will be okay." Remus only laughed softly when Severus tried to sneer. The younger man didn't scare him. "I've finished all my lessons and all I want is a short walk. Down the hall, something! Please," Severus' persistence was admirable, but Remus couldn't be swayed without checking with Madame Pomfrey first. "How about this, I'll owl her and see what she's got to say about it, okay?" Severus gave a dark nod. Remus did as he offered. They waited. And waited, and waited and waited. Then through the bed chamber door flew a harried mediwitch. "Severus must be within my sight at all times and if he complains one more time I swear I will have to give him a rest potion. He's irritating himself more than he needs to and it's bad for the baby." "I was hoping to go sit in the garden, but if you all won't even let me out in the hall, it's not going to happen. I need to have some fresh air. I mean, I'm going crazy here. I'm confined to a bed and I have some one doting on me as if I can't do anything alone. If you won't let me do something I will truly become agitated. I can't stand sitting here and doing nothing," Pomfrey interrupted Severus. "This room isn't too far from the garden. You may go sit out there for a little while, but Remus or Headmaster Dumbledore will be with you. You are not to go walking around unnecessarily and if you become the least bit exhausted, I want you to tell one of us so we can bring you in. Am I understood? I don't want you back in the infirmary because you were being obstinate." A much meeker Severus answered, "Yes ma'am. I understand." As she turned away she couldn't help but smile when she heard the murmured, "Thank you." "You're welcome." With that, Madame Pomfrey sighed and traveled back to the infirmary. "Are you ready to head outside? You've got your slippers on already unless you want to have your shoes on. I think it would probably be better just to wear your slippers out, whenever you put your shoes on you complain about them being tight." "I'm ready to go out. I've even got my heavier cloak in case. Can we just leave now," Remus smiled at Severus' single-mindedness. He definitely got whatever he wanted around here. Even if it was because people just couldn't combat him after a while. They may have the advantage in the beginning, but it can't be expected for too terribly long. Ten minutes later, Severus and Remus reached the gardens and sat down. Severus merely stared at the flowers, soaking up their beauty, or so it seems. "They're married now, aren't they? She's pregnant as well." "Where'd you hear that?" "Is it true," Severus asked searching Remus' face for any possible deception. "Yes, it is. Are you okay with that?" "Yes and no. I mean, I realize that despite the fact that I thought I loved him, I really didn't so I'm okay with him moving on. It just rather chafes me that I'm carrying his child and he wants nothing to do with this baby. He doesn't have to have a thing to do with me, but the child should have the benefit of both parents. He said he wasn't ready to have a child but now he's going to have one with her and he's married her. I just don't understand it. I'm for the most part over him as well, but sometimes he still bothers me." Severus paused and looked back out toward the flowers. "I understand. It's the nature of affection. Sometimes we think we've completely gotten over some one only to find that the pain can still be there. It's just hidden, waiting for something to knock down your slowly repaired wall. I just hope that you'll talk to me when you need some one… Even if we may never become a couple." "I don't know what is going to happen about us. Yes I have feelings for you, but I don't want to jump into another relationship because it's hard to be alone. Yes, it is hard to be alone but I can't be expected or expect myself to run to some one to make all my problems better. The idea is simply preposterous. I can't do that. One thing I've prided myself in throughout my life is the fact that I've been able to hold my own. I don't want to lose that. And while I do have feelings for you-strong ones-I'm not ready to jump into another relationship. Right now I have to worry about my baby. I have to make sure that they will be okay. I also have to worry about staying alive through the pregnancy so my baby will have a parent. I've had a lot of time to think about things. Studies can only take up so much of my time." Remus nodded. "You're not mad at me, are you? Because I really do care, it's just… that I'm not ready yet." Remus smiled. "I understand and it is okay that you're not ready yet. I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do. I wouldn't dream of it. If you're not ready, I'll wait. I waited four years to let you know how I felt. A little longer won't matter too much." Severus heaved a sigh of relief, "You're important enough to me that I'll wait gladly. And if you ever feel like I'm pressuring you, let me know. I don't want you to think that I expect anything from you or that you're expected to be a certain way because of what's going on. I also want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I do have one thing to ask though…" Remus trailed off, unsure as to whether or not he should really ask it. "What? What is it that you want to ask?" Severus was staring at him now. "The next time you go for a check up with the baby, can I stay there with you? I'd love to experience that, just once." Severus nodded. "You'd really want to see that, hmmm? I don't see why not, providing it is okay with Madame Pomfrey." "Thank you," he stared at Severus for a few moments, as if transfixed. He then looked away, "Perhaps we should go back in now. It's chilly out and dinner should be ready soon. Dumbledore will be displeased with me if I let you catch a cold," Remus smiled, "You get to have another school week of fun with him." He smiled even wider when he heard Severus' groans. "He coddles me even more than you do. How can I expect to handle it much longer?" "Shush now, it's not so bad and it's not too much longer. It's early December now. You can handle a little longer, can't you?" "If I must," a soft, sweet smile crept onto Severus'
face. Remus knew he was thinking about his darling child and soon he'd
be able to hold him… or her. ----------------- Snow covered the old stone of the castle. While Christmas Eve normally held little for Severus, it meant everything for Remus. He, like James was muggle-born. So that being said, one could only imagine what Severus was going through with a young man with more Christmas Spirit than the raven-haired boy thought one should have. "Don't you want to do something other something dealing with Christmas?" "Why on earth? It's really wonderful, it's magical!" Remus started to pout. "You people," Severus smirked. "What about us?" Remus threw back in mock annoyance. "I thought you enjoyed the holiday." "I'd normally enjoy the rest from classes, especially now. But, since I keep studying, it's a little bit different for me, don't you think?" Severus switched from teasing to serious in a snap. "Well, Sev, from mid-June-when you say you conceived-you've only got until mid-March. Give or take. We have to make sure that you are a bit ahead on studies. I wouldn't want you to end up behind because you had the child. I know you may not like it, but I'm doing it in a way that you can have some time to spend with just your baby. I'm sure you would enjoy that. Right?" Severus nodded. "It's not that I don't appreciate it from that angle, it's just that sometimes I would enjoy to be on break like everyone else, you know?" Remus nodded. "I know, but especially now, I think you need your privacy. And I'm going to tell you something right now: I do NOT like Malfoy traipsing in here. I stand firmly in the belief that he's trouble." "Believe it or not, he's calmed down quite a bit since we've broken up. He's actually joined the Death Eaters as a double agent. I was going to do it-like I'd promised Dumbledore-but then I ended up pregnant and I refuse to have anything to do with that for anything other than relaying messages for any reason other than dire emergencies. I can't think of just myself anymore. I have a child to worry about." "And you know for sure that he's not trying to hurt you," Remus' suspicious question drew out a sigh. "He and I have made our amends. It wasn't, however, until after James and I," he paused searching for the right word, "separated. Evidently he tried once over the summer but it didn't work because he and James got into a fight. I can't say that I hadn't missed the friendship that Lucius and I had and have. He's also much more loyal-I hate the implications of that word-than James was. Evidently." The bitterness, though not pointed out, was duly noted. "Couldn't he be up to something though," as soon as he'd mentioned it, Remus regretted it. Severus owned a formidable temper and if he didn't quit soon, he'd be the victim of his scathing words. "If you doubt my choice in friends you don't need to be around whenever they are here then. Just because you don't trust some one I have as a friend doesn't mean that I can't have them as friends. Your Sirius is some one I'd rather not deal with. Wait, let me rephrase that: I'd rather gut myself out with a spoon than be around him. He tried to kill me. And afterward you AND James said he was just fooling around. So DON'T tell me about whether or not I should worry about MY friends." With that, Severus turned and waddled out of the room. He knew he'd really blown it this time. Severus didn't have the energy for this. He didn't have the energy to fight with Remus and then wander off with no destination. Surely Dumbledore would do the gutting he'd mentioned for him. With a weary sigh he continued to walk around until a vexed McGonagall stood in his immediate path. "What on earth are you doing Severus? You're in no condition to be running around. And in the middle of the night no less!" Upon looking on his face though, she realized something definitely was amiss. Severus may be strong-minded, but he wouldn't endanger his child. "What is the matter child? You look so troubled. Anything you say will also remain between us if you would like to talk." "I think, perhaps I would like to talk. Especially if this will stay between us. And only us." Severus gratefully followed the older wizard. After helping Severus settle into a plush armchair, she summoned some tea and shortbread cookies. "Now, what seems to be troubling you dear boy?" "It's Remus." "Oh?" Even though she appeared unassuming, he knew there were rumor mills producing all kinds of scenarios between the two males. "What's wrong child?" "He is treating me as if my judgment is completely wrong. I admit it was wrong with James, but everything seemed fine up until I found out I was pregnant," McGonagall interrupted him. "You didn't know that you had the chance of being pregnant. That is the fault of your parents. They should have told you such a thing," hurt flashed across his face, "even if they never expected that you'd need to know. Or even if they hadn't wanted you to know, you should have known anyway. That is their failure. Not yours." Severus hardly looked convinced. "Well, anyway, he then mentioned my friendship with Malfoy and how I shouldn't be friends with him while Sirius damn near tried to kill me. You were the only one that pushed for him to be expelled. No one else. He even stood by Sirius. He then has the nerve to question my judgment of friends. Then I responded and left. I really don't want to go back there either. He's been so impossible lately. I know that he has feelings for me and I for him, but I'm not going to have him constantly second-guessing me. I don't need a mother or father. I don't need to put up with people constantly treating me like a child. I, for the most part, follow the rules Madame Pomfrey set for me. If I don't want to follow something, it's either small or I consult her. I'm not about to put up with more of it. I absolutely refuse! I, I, I don't know." His anger fizzled out and left him a frustrated and drained brooding thing. "Why haven't you told him this? It's been on your mind for a while, obviously." "I've tried. He just doesn't listen to me and that frustrates me. He acts as if I should listen to him because he's some oracle. Some one should tell him that he's no oracle and he has no right to tell me what should be done. He needs to back off me." "Do you, perhaps, think that the Headmaster would be able to do something about it? I mean, he's loved by nearly everyone here." "I'm told he has very little love for the Slytherin students. He'd hardly push very far when it's against his dear Griffyndors. No offense, but it's quite obvious." "I have to agree with you there, sadly. Then perhaps I should talk to him? He is a one of my previous house children." He smiled a little. "Honestly, I don't know how much good any of the words will do but you could try. If not, I will have to switch rooms. I can't put up with a whole lot more. I know that I'm emotional with this pregnancy, but that gives him no reason to act as if I cannot make my own decisions appropriately. That is highly vexing. I'm used to taking care of myself, and just because I'm pregnant, he feels like I cannot do it." "Severus, it's not that, I'm almost certain. All of us are worried about you. A male pregnancy is very hard to handle," the next part spat out, "You were left by the one who helped you conceive it," a calming breath, "and now you've got to worry about school, yourself, the baby, where your relationship with Remus is going." "We're not in a relationship." "You two act like it sometimes. Well, at least he does. He cares, that means something doesn't it?" "I'm not a charity case." "No one said you were." "I said it was because it's true." Severus sipped from his tea and snacked on some of the shortbread cookies, "People tend to treat me as a charity case. Poor Severus Snape. Cursed unknowingly. Errs by sleeping with a total cur. Left 'up the duff' with no one to help him except those who care at Hogwarts. That's how ninety-nine percent of the people here see it. I'm just tired of it. I'd never give up this baby, but sometimes I get so unsure of what I want. This is all too much." His expression was one of true disgust for himself. "I know it is, but the end result with be more than worth it. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to be able to hold my children in my arms. There's no greater feeling. I love teaching children and in a way all these children become mine, but it's different than having a child that is a part of you. There will be tough times, but that's when you rely on friends," Family had been carefully left off. Severus seemed to consider the Transfigurations master's words. He still owned a great many doubts, but until later what could be done. McGonagall interrupted his thoughts, "I have a spare room if you like. It wouldn't take much to have it warmed for you. The bed is fresh and it will give you some time alone. Don't worry about Remus or anyone right now. I'll see to it that they know where you are and make sure they do not bother you. You need your rest and no one running you ragged. A proper night's sleep will give you all the energy you need to battle your keepers." A soft knowing smile crept onto her face when he appeared slightly shamefaced. "A great many expectant parents get like that. Don't worry." Upon leading him to the room, getting him settled and impulsively giving him a kiss on the forehead, she left him to sleep a dreamless sleep. She, though, would send word like she promised and pondered the state of affairs between Remus and Severus. They both definitely seemed to want to be more than just friends, but didn't know what to do about it. Correction: Remus knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to be Severus' proverbial knight in shining armor. Severus wanted to figure out how he felt about Remus. That was certain. Yes, he carried more than just a passing fancy, but would the relationship last through the years? It was one thing to enter the relationship without a child, but Severus' pregnancy complicated things. If Remus really wanted him, he'd have to prove it. And his actions about Lucius did nothing but enflame the raven-haired boy's indignation and wound his pride. She suspected his pride barely managed to keep him motivated quite a bit lately. Child not withstanding. No matter how much he cared about his child, it would be a major endeavor. After she was sure Severus had finally eased into sleep, she stole off to find Lupin. A frantic Remus answered the knock at the door and his anxiety notched upward even more when he saw McGonagall at the door. "C-Come in Professor." "Thank you. I believe we need to discuss something." "Do we?" There was no use in playing stupid but he did so anyway. "You and Severus seem to have had a fight. And I'm worried about how these little power matches are affecting him." She watched him as he seemed to fear what was coming next. "Driving him mad with all your games is not going to do him any good. You have to accept the fact that he can take care of himself. You may care about him but you have no claim over him. And this isn't going to do any good about getting him to accept that sort of relationship with you." "I know, I know, I just… I can't help it. I see how he's so tired all the time. He's so discontent. He wants to be like everyone else for once. He's really trying to push what he's supposed to be doing. You know?" McGonagall nodded. "It also makes it worse to have you fawning over him. He needs to know that he's got some kind of autonomy. He's not a child and he's been very careful. It's not like he was back in the beginning. He's far more capable than you give him credit. If you really want a relationship with him at any time, you have to give him the space he needs. He's always been one to keep a distance, no matter how close he gets." "I know, but I just can't help but want to take care of him." "I know, but you have to trust me on this." McGonagall just watched the boy as he mulled over this.
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