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The Growth of Fear
Severus found himself standing outside the entrance to Dumbledore’s office before breakfast the next morning. He had barely slept, unable to stop his mind from replaying the events of the Death Eater meeting, replacing what had happened with even worse scenarios. He had vomited until he feared he would puke up the baby itself; morning sickness was obviously made much worse by exhaustion and self-disgust. Still, he had struggled to dress himself in his most concealing, forbidding set of black robes, his hands shaking so much that he had to use magic to do all those tiny buttons up. Finally, he was ready to face Dumbledore. Once in the Headmaster’s office, he took the seat he was offered and started to report what he had learned, “The Dark Lord summoned us for a progress report. He was most displeased to learn that most of the information he wanted had been moved and that the people he wished to question had, for various reasons, disappeared. It seems that we have so far managed to thwart several of his plans. However, until we have a better idea of what his primary plan of attack is to be, it is difficult to say whether we are hitting at the heart of his campaign. Although, given how angry he was, it seems likely that at least some of the information was significant.” “Did Voldemort say anything regarding any new targets?” “No Headmatser.” “And you learned nothing new?” “No.” Dumbledore looked disappointed and turned away from Severus, deep in thought. After almost ten minutes of silence, Severus spoke, “Headmaster?” “Severus?” Dumbledore responded shortly. “He was not happy that I had failed to discover anything of use regarding the wards used to protect the school…” Severus trailed off, not sure how to make this request. “Did he curse you?” “No sir, I was able to persuade the Dark Lord that I would not be able to conceal the after effects of the Cruciatus curse from you. I explained that it would make you suspicious, less likely to trust me.” “Well then, there isn’t a problem, is there?” “Headmaster, I can’t continue to make excuses. I need,” his voice fell to almost a whisper, “I need something to give him.” Severus only added the desperate ‘please’ in his own head. “I shall speak to the other members of the Order.” Severus knew that this was his cue to leave. He got up, his pitiful hopes once again dashed. He knew that people like Mad Eye Moody and Sirius Black were members of the Order of the Phoenix. They would be unlikely to care if his baby was hurt whilst he was out spying. Mad Eye Moody did not approve of Dumbledore keeping Severus Snape out of the clutches of the Ministry in the first place; he believed that rule of law must be kept. Typical auror: black and white, no room whatsoever for shades of grey. Severus left Dumbledore’s office, finding himself in the midst of a rush of children making their way to breakfast in the Great Hall. Severus let himself get swept along in the flow. He tried hard not to flinch should any of the children get too close to him, yet inside, his stomach rolled at such unwelcome proximity. Severus sat at the teachers’ table, pushing his food around his plate. He knew that he should eat but he had no appetite whatsoever. Admitting defeat, he pushed back his chair and left the hall, unaware that a pair of grey eyes were fixed upon him. Draco Malfoy watched his Head of House leave the room. He was worried. He had seen the man return to Hogwarts late the previous night, almost running towards the castle, torn robes flaring behind him. Draco was not an innocent. He knew that his father had coerced Snape into having sex with him in the past. He suspected that his father’s taste in sexual practices were, shall we say, less than orthodox. He knew that Snape suspected his father of violence towards him. He himself had a shrewd suspicion that Snape allowed his father to do those things to him in order to protect Draco from his father’s attentions. Draco knew that his father had been angry about something for a couple of months now. His mother had just sent him an owl advising him to remain at Hogwarts for Christmas. They were all behaving very strangely. Draco was not sure what to make of this rather complex puzzle. Vowing to keep a closer eye on things, he stood up and went to get his books for his Care of Magical Creatures lesson. Oh joy, he thought, an hour outside when the temperature’s barely above freezing. I wonder if Gryffindors make good firewood. Finally, the last of the students going home for the Christmas holidays had been packed off on the Hogwarts Express. Severus was quite thankful that only three Slytherins were staying at school for Christmas. He had, however, been quite surprised that one of those students was Draco Malfoy and even more surprised that Crabbe and Goyle had not deigned to join him. When he had spoken to Draco about his decision to remain at school, Draco had assured him that nothing was wrong and had then enquired about Severus’ health. Now, Severus had been around Malfoys all his life, this was the first time one of them had asked how he was. Perhaps Draco had been told to stay at Hogwarts to spy on him. Draco Malfoy was an eagle-eyed young man. Severus knew that he would have to be very careful around him. Very careful indeed. Draco had been following Snape around for a few days now yet the man was careful not to let anything slip. Finally, Draco had been able to discover what had happened at Lord Voldemort’s last gathering. His father had refused to tell him, so he had had to wait for Goyle to write to his own father. Finally, he had found out that Snape had been punished but had begged not to be subjected to the Cruciatus curse. He had instead given Lord Voldemort what Goyle senior had described as ‘a scrummy looking blow job’ in front of the assembled Death Eaters. Draco was fairly sure that Snape had been avoiding or refusing his father’s sexual demands and thereby causing his father’s extremely bad mood. This was confusing. Snape often looked ill, wasn’t eating much especially in the mornings yet seemed to be putting on weight, he didn’t want sex yet preferred to blow Voldemort rather than receive the Cruciatus curse. What did this add up to? If Snape had been a witch he would have thought… No! But he had heard the stories of how Voldemort had wanted an army borne and raised by wizards. But Snape! It all added up though. Draco sat in the Slytherin common room and wondered ‘could Professor Snape be pregnant?’ A couple of days before Christmas, Severus decided that he would start to use the cloaking charm. It had taken him quite some time to decide this. First, he had spent a good twenty minutes naked in front of the mirror admiring the slight curve to his belly that marked his pregnancy. Then, he had put his robes on and smoothed them down before determining that the bump was visible from certain angles if his robes were pulled tight. Paranoia being a spy’s best friend, Severus decided that the time had come. It gave him a strange sense of excitement; it was a marker of his pregnancy, he had made it far enough for his baby to be showing. He metaphorically hugged himself with glee as he thought of his secret. Still, now that he was no longer crippled by morning sickness, rattling around in his dungeons was starting to wear on his nerves. Severus made the decision to walk into Hogsmeade to get some fresh air. Draco watched his Head of House leave Hogwarts, wrapped in a warm cloak, making his way towards the front gates of the castle’s grounds. He hoped that Severus wasn’t going anywhere near either his father or Voldemort. If he really was pregnant, the risk of discovery and punishment were far too high. Draco had already worked out that Snape’s pregnancy could not be condoned by the Dark Lord if it was a secret from the Death Eaters and he wondered what the man was playing at; trying to get one over on Voldemort had to be a suicidal occupation. Severus pulled his cloak more tightly around himself as he reached Hogsmeade. Several people recognised him and shied away from him. Severus ignored them. It was better if they stayed away, less chance of them jostling his precious child. Frowning, he caught sight of a heavily pregnant young witch and her husband laughing in the street. Using the skills he had learned as a spy, he surreptitiously followed them. The witch was positively blooming, despite the fact that she looked to be seven or eight months pregnant. Her husband fussed over her, making sure that she was warm enough, refusing to let her carry even the tiniest parcel. After about half an hour, the unknown wizard decided that his wife had spent long enough on her feet and that they should go to the new coffee emporium near the Three Broomsticks so that she could sit down and rest. Severus followed them, unsure why they continued to catch his attention. Severus sat a few tables away from them nursing the black coffee he had ordered. He found that he was still close enough to hear their conversation. Admittedly, it was fairly banal; they were discussing the Christmas presents they still had to buy for their friends and family. Then Severus became aware that the couple had been joined by another couple and they had started to talk about their baby. “Oh yes,” said the young witch, “Not much longer now, she’s due on the 8th of February. Thank goodness, I’m starting to feel like a whale.” “Nonsense Kayla, you are more beautiful than ever to my eyes,” said her husband lovingly. ‘Romantic fool,’ thought Severus. He was about to get up and leave when the young man’s next words stopped him dead and ensured that he was practically glued to his seat. “I thought I couldn’t be any happier than the day Kayla told me I was going to be a father but each passing day makes me happier than ever. I can’t wait for this baby to be born.” “Even when the baby cries all night and pukes on your dress robes,” said his wife teasingly. “I don’t care. This baby is going to have all the love in the world.” “And the most toys and the best nursery,” joked the witch. “Honestly,” she told their friends, “He’s already bought more toys than one child could ever play with and he’d decorated the nursery before I was even four months gone.” “No harm in being prepared,” responded the husband tenderly. “Right, do you want to stay here in the warm while I finish the shopping?” “No, I want to choose Ezra’s present. Merlin only knows what you’ll buy if left to your own devices. Anyway, I can still walk around…just.” She smiled and her husband helped her stand. “I know,” he said. “I can’t help it if I want to make sure that both of you are as well as can be.” They said goodbye to their friends, promising to see them in the New Year and ventured back out into the streets, where it had begun to snow once again. Severus sat staring at his rapidly cooling cup of coffee for a long while. The couple were pathetically smoochy and he felt he would hex anyone who acted like that around him. However, there was another part of him, possibly the hormone-laden part, that would have liked someone to share his secret with. This part of him longed for someone to be happy that he was pregnant, for someone to want to plan for the birth. What must it be like, he wondered, not to have to hide a pregnancy, to be able to accept everyone’s congratulations? Severus Snape was not a rich man. A well-stocked nursery full to the brim with new toys was well beyond his means. Anyway, he could hardly start to turn one of his rooms into a child’s bedroom without attracting a considerable amount of attention. Love. His child would have all the love he had to give, but would it be enough? He knew enough of the world to know that people would revile his baby, merely for being the child of Severus Snape. Should anyone discover that he had carried the child, that he was only able to conceive thanks to the dark magic of Voldemort, the child would be hounded, hunted as an anomaly. Some people would even want to see it dead. Severus returned to Hogwarts in a sombre mood. Seeing the differences between his pregnancy and a normal pregnancy hurt. It shouldn’t do. Severus was a scientist, a rational man. But right now, he was also a pregnant man and his haywire hormones were sending rationality right out of the window. He settled in his dungeons, determined not to move for the duration of the ‘festive’ season. He didn’t want to celebrate the birth of someone else’s child (even if that child was the Saviour himself) when nobody would celebrate the birth of his child. He took off the cloaking charm, wanting to see his little bump, almost as though trying to convince himself that it were really there. Truth be told, he enjoyed running his hands over it, hugging it. He laughed to himself; what would people say if they could see the dark demon of the dungeons now? Frankly he didn’t care what they thought of him, after all he never had before. His mind drifted back to the conversation he had had almost a week earlier with Dumbledore. He was no fool. He knew that the members of the Order of the Phoenix would not allow him to give Voldemort any information regarding the wards protecting Hogwarts. He was on his own. He needed to find a solution to this problem before his next summoning. He had to give Voldemort enough to whet his appetite, yet promise more to keep him interested and to stop him from punishing Severus anyway for not being useful anymore. Once again, Severus found himself wishing for someone to share his joys and troubles with; it was hard to have to rely on himself all the time. Caught in the turbulence of another bout of depression, Severus wondered how it would feel to have a partner: someone to ask how his day had been, to hold him, to listen to him, to tell him that everything would be alright. Severus was rudely awakened from his daydream by a harsh knock at his door. He barely had time to re-cast the cloaking charm before Minerva McGonagall burst in ignoring his protests about this intrusion into his privacy. She scolded him for disappearing from the castle without telling anyone where he had gone, reminded him that he had responsibilities and informed him that Potter and Malfoy had had a fight and were currently both in the Hospital Wing with some interesting hex injuries. Wondering what had happened to the idea of peace to all men, Severus sighed and followed Minerva to the Hospital Wing. He only hoped that the students’ injuries were sufficiently painful as to dissuade them from acting up and thereby disrupting the rest of his holiday.
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