Invasion of the Snape Snippets
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Authors: Keely and Restina (partners in crime and random weirdness)
Title: Haven't found one yet, working title so far is: Invasion of
the Snape Snippets
Rating: Ehrmm.. I'm not sure, but there will be sex in future chapters
so I guess NC17?
Pairings: Snape/ more or less everybody as the story evolves, except
Filch
Archive: Mpreg-archive- go right ahead, anybody else- ask first
Disclaimer: All characters mentioned in Rowling's books belong to
her. (bless her) The other maniacs you'll encounter are the figments
of Keely's and Restina's imagination. (Norman, we love you!)
Genre: Humor/parody
Summary: Lots of pregnancies, lots of madness!
Doing the monkey dance
For the last month or so Snape had had these… flashes of horniness
cursing through his body. He'd even checked out Minerva's ass from
time to time during teacher-meetings, and that was a tell tale sign
of utter most horniness! And now this… former woman draped
him in her arms and turned him into Jell-O! He made a gasp for air
as Renart's lips parted from his for a second, and tried in the same
moment to clear his mind. Restina was Renart now, a man! And men
had tits...no they didn't have tits! And women had dangly bits..?
A frustrated and confused moan erupted from the Potions Master's
throat. Renart took this as an invite and plunged towards Snape
again. Meanwhile Keely was screaming at the top of her lungs, nibbling
furiously at Renart's ankles, but the young wizard didn't even
notice. He had no idea what had gone into him! One minute he was
deadly afraid of the wizard he now was orally inspecting, another
minute he was screaming at him, and now he was so aroused he was
about to blow a fuse!
Little did Renart know this comes with being male. The strong attraction
he'd felt towards the mysterious black clad man as a woman was now
multiplied times ten as a male! The primal testosterone-urge to shag
anything fertile in sight had jumped him from behind, and now there
was no way back.
"
Say… is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to
see me?" Snape growled against Renart's throat. There was an
unmistakable poking sensation on his thigh, and it amused him as
well as aroused him. He was surprised to discover that a tubby little
wizard was just as good as a tubby little witch, and that he rather
enjoyed to be held in a firm grip by the redhead.
"
Severus, NOOOOO! It's me you love!" Keely screamed.
Snape turned his attention away from Renart for a moment.
"
Who said anything about love, you silly little mouse - I need a good
old fashioned shag! No love or emotional attachments involved!"
Snape spat. He waved an index-finger lazily and a cage appeared around
the tormented mouse.
Snape turned back to face green eyes again and recognised his own
desire. This time he'd better get lucky, or else he would implode!
With a rip both Snape's cloak and shirt were shredded open, buttons
flying everywhere. A fire resembling madness sparked in Renart's
eyes as his lips started to work on the Potions Master's upper body.
Needy hands touched and traced, down his chest, towards Snape's navel...
and stopped. Snape, who'd been swept off his feet, and rather enjoying
it too, opened his eyes in confusion. He looked at Renart who still
was touching his stomach, but now the lust was clouded with something
new.
"
WHAT!?" Snape howled, too turned on to even think straight. "Why
did you stop!?"
Finally Renart's eyes left Snape's stomach and darted upwards again.
"
Our child...", he whispered; "Inside you, our child!" There
was a tone of awe and amazement in his voice, as realisation finally
kicked in. Renart was to be a father. Or mother, he wasn't really
sure.
"
Oh, for fuck's sake!" Snape whined. "What am I, the most
repellent man on earth!? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE just SHAG ME!? NOW!!!"
Renart jumped backwards. "I'm sorry, I just..," he started,
but was cut off by a demanding tongue stuffed down his throat. If
Snape was going to get laid before he was waddling down the halls
at eight months pregnant he had to take matters in his own hands,
literary…
He got down to his knees, unzipped Renart's pants.. and discovered
that the younger wizard didn't wear any underwear.
"
Naughty boy!" he hissed, as he tickled an organ he was very
familiar with. He'd been doing some experimenting on himself, mind
you! Renart squirmed slightly as slender fingers brushed dangly bits
so sensitive he was afraid he would squirt all over Snape's face. "Like
that, do you?" Snape whispered as his grip became firm.
He smirked when he was rewarded with a moan. This was easy, he had
Renart where he wanted him now!! Now all he had to do was suck a
little lollipop and Renart would be convinced screwing the expecting
mother-to-be was the only thing possible. He'd never done this before,
that was for sure! But Snape rather enjoyed it, and he was so turned
on he was about to come in his own pants! The temperature in the
room started to rise, a certain sign Renart, alias Restina, was as
aroused as he was.
Snape removed his mouth from a certain throbbing member and teased
Renart's balls with the same tongue he taught first years potions.
Renart's face contracted, and there was a low growl... and seconds
later Snape fell backwards on his ass, face covered in Renart's first
ejaculation as a man. The disappointment that hit the Potions Master
was so heavy, so mind-ripping terrible that he started to cry!
Renart stood with his eyes closed for a few seconds, just to let
it all sink in. The first thing that struck him was how different
the male and the female orgasm are! And no matter how mind-blowing
it is to have a first orgasm as a new gender, Renart pitied men...
And *he* was going to stay a man as long as Snape wanted… Then
his insensitive ears finally reacted to the manly sobbing sounds
coming from the floor, accompanied by what sounded like very distraught
mouse- sobbing. Renart opened his eyes to find Snape curled up on
the floor, crying his eyes out!
"
Oh my gosh, what's wrong?" Renart whined, and got down on his
knees after neatly tucking his dangly bits back where they belonged.
Snape shot him a watery glare.
"
I just wanted a shag, one lousy shag so that I could lean back in
forty years time and say: 'Hey, at least I've tried it ONCE!'" he
screamed, looking the young wizard straight in the eye.
"
Holy crap!" Renart gasped before intelligence got the better
of him: "You're a virgin!?"
All around the world, thirty-seven thousand Boggarts fell dead down
to the ground. A shameful expression clouded the frustrated alchemist's
face as he tried to show Renart how little he was bothered with that
tiny fact. He failed.
"
Yes", he finally said; "it's true. I'm as virgin as they
come, complete with calloused hands! And when I finally thought I
was gonna get me some, you had the nerve to come all over my face!" "I'm
sorry, I didn't know… And you were so good at what you were
doing that I couldn't help myself. I guess I was kind of a virgin
as well, you know... as a man…"
There was a furious howl from a certain, furious mouse who seemed
to be more than willing to take Renart's place in that matter.
"Shit, Sev, you should have told me! I would never have used
you the way I did if I had known it would be your first time, especially
not now when you're pregnant and hormone-driven… Forgive me?"
"
I might consider it, but only if you mercifully bonk me senseless
right here and right now!" Snape demanded, ripped his own pants
opened and sprawled out on his back.
"
Don't do it, Restina!" Keely squealed, as her rival looked at
the untouched Potions Master, offering him a trip to heaven and beyond.
Eager for more, Renart threw himself on top of the half-naked wizard
carpeting the floor, kissing, nibbling and squeezing everything within
reach.
"
Ouch, be careful!" Snape grunted as one of Renart's needy hands
cupped his very tender breast while a considerable groin kept humping
and grinding against his lower abdomen. "Renart, maybe we shouldn't
go through with this…? Not now!" whimpered Snape in lack
of arousal after this brutal foreplay.
But Renart wasn't in lack of anything. He even had a rubber (given
by Dumbledore on his first day at work with the motivation that, "perhaps
one cannot hurry love, but the little buggers sure swim fast!")
even though he'd only been male for less than a week.
Deaf to Snape's objections, he rolled his defenceless victim over
on his stomach and positioned him right where he wanted him, with
his legs spread and close enough for the jealous Keely to see their
horrible display.
Having his crooked nose poking into the floor with each thrust, the
cold, dusty floor bruising his hips, and the little mouse's cussing
and swearing in his ears might have been worth it for the chance
to get rid of his virginity, if it wasn't for the foetuses in his
belly, begging him with faint movements to put an end to their discomfort.
Renart was well-equipped, and happy to prove it too. Snape felt a
slight pressure build up inside, the sensation of fullness as Renart
approached his climax. The unborns swam for their life to try and
hide behind their respective placenta. Over in Africa, the land of
Mozambique became flooded for the first time in a decade, and Snape
grabbed his wand…
"
Get off, or by God I'll shove this up your ass!" he growled
at Renart, waving his magic stick.
"
I'm just about to get off, if you just let me!" answered Renart
between moans. "But I don't think I'm into that kinky wand-up-the-ass
stuff, Sevie…!"
"
AAARRRGGGHHH!" Snape bellowed and by raw strength he threw Renart
out and off of him.
"
What the hell did you do that for!?" barked Renart in disappointment,
sexually frustrated over their unfinished intercourse.
Not rendering him an explanation just yet, Snape got to his feet
and ran his hands around the pout of his stomach to search for signs
of life. Finding none he stalked over to the obviously relieved Keely
and picked her out of her cage to put her to his tummy.
"
Please, can you check if everything's all right in there?" he
snivelled.
Sharing the same worry, Keely was too occupied with listening to
the two bickering foetuses and their rapid heartbeats to be surprised
by Snape's sudden and newfound concern for his children.
"
They're just fine, love", she reported with a tiny smile gracing
her snout.
Snape dumped her into the floor.
"
What the hell were YOU thinking, fucking me like that!?" he
finally retorted in Renart's direction. "The babies could have
been seriously hurt by your horny attack!"
"
Excuse me, Mister Bonk-Me-Senseless, but I thought you wanted to
get rid of your virginity here? Sure, I was a bit rough, but I had
to move quickly or I'd be late for class…"
"
Are you telling me you were just going to shag me and then ditch
me for a bunch of spotty Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws!? You weren't
even planning to cuddle me afterwards!?"
"
I'm sorry, there's not enough time. Besides, you said so yourself;
we needed a good old fashioned shag with no love or emotional attachments
involved!"
"
You insensitive son of a bitch! You know I love you and this is how
you treat me", he bawled, "the mother of your child!" he
added for emphasis while he got dressed in his torn rags. "Come
on, Keely, let's leave this chauvinistic bastard. Wouldn't want to
keep him from his precious class…!" he snarled sarcastically
and slammed the door shut behind them with a victorious mouse sitting
on his shoulder.
Renart hadn't been more ashamed in his whole life. Over and over
again he saw Snape charge out of the room with that blasted Keely
sniggering on the top of his shoulder. And Renart had been a worse
asshole than Snape ever had been… Restina had fought her way
up to the surface in the same moment that Snape left, but it had
been too late... Her male alter ego had destroyed any chance there
was for resolving things between the witch and the wizard, and now
Restina was guilty in hurting both the men she loved… … Both
men... OH, HOLY SHIT! Restina had completely forgotten about Chuck
the last couple of days that she'd been roaming around with testosterone
in her blood!
For God's sake, she had a fiancé and she'd more or less raped
another man she also was attracted to!
"
I'm scum... no, I'm lower than scum!" Restina mumbled to herself
as her manly face dissolved into tears. She'd done two terrible,
unforgivable actions in once, and now there was no way back.
A bottle of Vodka became the rescue for the witch, and after that
she stumbled down to Hogsmeade to buy another bottle. She could sustain
more alcohol as a man and the puking was less gross, somehow?
Thankfully she hadn't lost ALL her reasonable thinking while drinking,
so she used one of the many secret passageways from Hogwarts to get
to her destination, Herbert Champagneh's Liquor for all occasions!
She didn't care of the many snide side-looks she got from other people
in the shop, she bought two bottles of 'Vodka with a twitch' and
stumbled right out from there.
Next destination: The Forbidden Forest where she would drink her
self senseless so that she could escape the jabbing pain in what
had once been her heart. She sat down on a wet and murky tree-root
and drank away. She didn't care about the weird sounds around her,
nor did she pay any attention to the monstrous animals smelling at
her and then running away in disgust as if she was the foulest thing
they'd ever stumbled across. There was no soothing this witch, and
she had only herself to blame...
Meanwhile Snape was trying to soothe a certain painful spot. He
was sure he wouldn't be able to sit down for weeks. Down on the floor
Keely was scurrying around his feet, her tiny whiskers tickling his
naked ankles.
"
Turn me back again, Severus! I'll deal with that bitch!" she
snarled as she glared at an imaginative Restina in front of her.
"
No", Snape simply answered. "If I know Restina well enough
by now, she's doing much more harm to herself than you would ever
manage."
"
What do you mean?" Keely asked and got up on two feet to have
a better look at her love, a confused look on her tiny, furry face.
A sad smile appeared on Snape's face; "I transformed her into
a male, Keely. With that I took away fifty percent of her rathional
thinking as well."
Keely sprinted up her love's leg and ended up back on his shoulder.
"
I didn't understand that one", her helium voice stated, rather
sarcastically. Restina, Renart, whoever, had raped her beloved Snape
and almost squashed their unborn child right in front of her eyes.
There were no excuses for that, none!
Snape sighed and started to explain:
"
The moment I turned Restina into Renart, her personality changed.
Sure, she was Restina to begin with, but as time went by more and
more of her male ego, Renart, took over. The last couple of days
she's been behaving like a man, and I bet she'd even forgotten most
of her previous life. Today I forgot who the person behind that face
had turned into. I saw only Restina and that ended in catastrophe,
I dare say. I saw her when I left, though, she was back. She was
staring out at me through his eyes, but I was too upset to speak
to her, molested as I was. And if there is a beating heart somewhere
inside her chest, as I know it is, I bet she is not feeling like
much right now. I guess I got my revenge on her, but still I don't
feel any better..." He missed the tiny growl from the little
one with pink salad-ears. Keely was sick and tired about hearing
about Restina as some goddamn heroine no matter what horrible deeds
she did. Now she had raped Snape and Snape blamed it on himself!
*-* Back in the forest Restina had drunken herself half-unconscious,
and when a tall, hairy spider took a sniff at her, her only response
was: "Hellohh, mistehh sphideyh! Wantsh ay drinkh?"
And then she passed out as the spider, who's immediate thought was
to put this creature out of its misery, decided to take it home to
show the wife and kids instead. The only things left on the spot
where Restina had wallowed in self-pity was an empty bottle of Vodka
with a twitch and three poorly written notes. The first one was addressed
to Chuck and it read:
"
Dearest Chucky. It's with greatest regret and sorrow I write you
this note. I have a confession to make, and it's not an easy one.
I've fallen in love with another man - one of the teachers at the
faculty. I'm in love with you both, and with you so far away I've
done unforgivable things… I know my sorrow can't make up for
what I've done, and I know it would be outrageous for me to ask for
your forgiveness. I'm so sorry, Restina."
The other note was adressed to one Severus Snape, and showed signs
of evolving drunkenness.
"
Dear Sevvier! I'mm so sory for screwwing you like that, virgin an
all! I nevver inntented for thatt to hapen. I just donnt knoww what
came over me. I begg your forgivveness knowwing that what I've donn
is unforgivviable. Therefore I'll go awayy so thatt you wont need
to be reminnded of whatt I'v done to you evvery time we passes in
the hallways! I've hurtt both the menn I love in lifes and for that
I willl be sorry alll of my deys. Goodybye, Restina."
The third note was even worse and had to be the last one written,
and right before mister spider came and snatched the witch. To one
Headmasster of Higwarts of Wizardry School, she had written as follows:
"
Deer misster Ablus! I'vve a poor disbiccible person! End withh thiss
I leave mi ressignation. I've shagged your Snapes and betreyed my
Chucks, and forr that I will never forgivv mi self. Iff you deside
I deserv a spot in Azkaben I'll go quietlyness, cause I know i bee
a bad, badd personn! Restian. PS: whn I get sobered up I'll senn
you my currentt adresssss.
*-*
Two days passed, and there was no sign of either the ginger wizard
or witch. All Renart had left behind was one empty Vodka bottle,
and although it happened from time to time a teacher disappeared
due to secret missions and such, people were starting to get worried.
Snape had assumed his rapist was hiding in his quarters, too ashamed
to show himself, and Dumbledore gathered likewise as he still believed
there was "love in the air". Now something had simply been
screwed up between the two and it would blow over in a few days.
But on the third day Dobby came charging into Dumbledore's office
with the emptied bottle in his arms, screaming hysterically:
"
He's not in his rooms, he's not in his rooms! Master Destiny is gone,
Master Destiny is gone!"
The Headmaster calmed the house-elf down, and decided to follow him
to Destiny's quarters to have a look himself. On his way there he
met the infamous Potions Master, as he came hobbling down the halls
towards a potions class. He'd been developing this weird walk lately,
but Dumbledore assumed it came naturally with the few extra pounds
his beloved Severus' had put on the last weeks. Finally the chap
had brightened up a bit and had started to eat more food!
"
What's going on?" Snape asked immediately, suspicion reeking
from his face as he glared at Dobby and Albus.
"
Master Destiny, he's gone, Sir!" Dobby howled, waving his evidence
in front of Snape whose eyes suddenly became vivid.
Dumbledore could have sworn he heard a mouse howl triumphantly somewhere.
"
That son of a bitch!" Snape growled as he charged straight down
the corridors with Dumbledore and Dobby puffing at his heals: "Leaving
without even apologizing, ay? I might have mistaken you still, Restina!" The
name was added with a whisperd snarl as Snape didn't need Dumbledore
starting to ask questions right now. And just as Dobby had told,
there was no Renart to be found at his chambers or anywhere else
in the castle, when Dumbledore did a search scan. "I'm gonna
break that stupid twit's neck!" Snape kicked a nearby stool
only causing his big toe immense pain.
"
What if Master Destiny is lost, wandered off into the Forbidden forest,
Sirs!?" Dobby howled while his huge, watery eyes flooded.
"
If that vermin's still in the area I bet he's in Hogsmeade on the
nearest pub drinking himself even more stupid!" Snape spat with
venom in his voice. Dumbledore, who'd been remarkably quiet the last
ten seconds, finally spoke up.
"
If Renart's been pubing in Hogsmeade there is ONE person who'll know!
Let's go ask him!"
"
Who?" both Snape and Dobby asked simultaneously.
"
Hagrid, of course!" Dumbledore smiled and was already heading
for the door.
*-*
Renart woke up to the worst nightmare of his entire life. Right
in front of him stood one hundred and thirty-two spider younglings,
staring at him with much amusement.
"
Dad, dad come see! It's not dead, it's alive!" some of them
were shouting.
Renart moaned and tried to move, bur realized he was stuck, neatly
tucked in in a sleeping bag of web.
"
Oooh, it's so gross! And the smell!" one of the spider kids
hissed. By the approaching trampling sounds, Renart soon realized "Daddy" was
coming. The biggest, scariest spider she'd ever seen in her entire
life almost stepped on her as he shoved some of the most eager kids
away.
"
You're awake, I see. I was afraid you would choke in your own disgusting
puke, but you've actually survived! If it hadn't been for that nasty-tasting
fluid you've been wrecking your body with I'd guess you'd be quite
a treat!" An enormous, hairy spider-leg tapped Renart's head.
"
Not much fur on you humans, I wonder how you keep warm with only
those raggy things that you wear?"
Renart moaned once more, the light burning his eyes and the sounds
of all the squabbling spiders going off like bombs in his ears.
"
This is the WORST hangover EVER! I just wanna fall asleep again and
wake up sober!" Renart thought. He didn't realize that what
he believed to be his own vivid, drunken imagination was actually
real.
And that was just as well, otherwise he would have screamed until
the spiders got tired of his yelling and squashed him… like
a bug.
